Misses and Regrets ?

      Ever think that wishes can actually come true ? . Not only in fairy tales . Wishes that you make when you are little , around 11 or 12 , and this is how the wish sounds '' I wish I can be a grown up so that I can buy stuff and whatever that I wanted that my parents said is too expensive'' or something like that . Have you guys ever wished that kind of a wish before , to be a grown up quickly ? . Not just to buy stuff but because you just want to be a grown up because you don't want to hear your mother's nag and stuff ? . So the wish here is about being a grown up and quick at that . So here I am at the tender age of 18 , scared to death about death itself as thought I am 90 and scared of losing my loved ones . Yes , for real , I feared about these two things so badly that sometimes all I can do for the whole day is curl up in bed and cry my eyes out .

      Oh how I wish for so many times that I can actually take back whatever stupid wishes that I made and throw them in the garbage and never think of them . The fear of leaving my teen years overwhelms me sometimes . I do not think I'll ever be ready to live on my own let alone grow up . I know we have to grow up sooner or later but it really scares me . Whenever you do mistakes it is no longer easy to wriggle yourself out of it like you how always do with just that cute little puppy eyes of yours and smiling like you did when you are little , you will actually have to take the blame for it this time . Oh how I wish I can turn back time and really appreciate my childhood times . How I wish that I can actually spend more time with my parents instead of doing stuff on my own in my room . And stop hating people so much cause life is too short for hates and enemies .

      I still remember when I was 15 , a grown up told me that you should really enjoy your teen years cause being a grown up is not easy and all I could think of was this person is lame , how could you tell me being a grown up is tough , you'll get to do whatever you want and you call that tough ? . How I thought wrong . I hate my ignorant self , seriously . Oh and I even posted something about me will never ever ever not even for a million years missing my school . Haha , after 7 months all I can think of is to go back to school and be 17 again . 18 seems to be so old for me . Very old . Is not that I miss my friends or whatever cause I still get to  see them but it is just that I missed the atmosphere , the ambiance , the environment . :) .

      I also miss Disney Channel Original Movies . The series and movies are just fun to watch  . 10 years ago their movies are more about appreciating families , friends and it usually portrays good morale values . Time has change and their movie is no longer about these stuff anymore , it is now more about pop star , how to be popular and let's just say it is not like how it used too . I missed the moment when we set our alarm at 9 am every morning on the holidays just so we can watch DCOM together , me and my sister . We rarely get to do stuff together anymore . We are so busy living our own lives that we have little time for each other . Oh yes and the times when vulgar words are so prohibited that you ger so scared if your parents catches you using one . Nowadays all I can hear is vulgar everywhere and even my friends use profanities . Great huh ? . 

      Yeah , my childhood time was fun and full innocence . LOL . And it is not like I am old or anything but it is just that I feel I have wasted 10 years of my life but I know I wasn't wasting my time . And whatever decisions I make , made who I am today and we as human being are like magnets to wrong doings and we can never change that . So I guess I am not going to regret whatever I did but I am just going to learn from it . So to whoever who is reading this post should live your life to the fullest so that you won't have to regret later on . Even if you are 50 it is still never too late . :D .

Reminiscing the old times 8D .

Okay , let's talk about the real me . 

Have you ever wondered what I really am actually ? . Nice ? . Bitchy ? . Fake or just about anything ? .

      

      What I can say about myself is that I am so not people friendly . As you can see, if only I know you will then I talk to you , if not I will just smile and nod accordingly to that person but nothing more , even tho she or he is my classmate or whatever . I will never be or act rude towards a person UNLESS he or she has crossed the line . I may look nice and sweet on the outside and yes I do sometimes wear my feelings on my sleeves but never ever talk bad about my family or friends . I would either yell at you which I rarely do or I would just storm off .

      I always find it funny when people want to take advantage of me because of my kindness . When they know that I can actually stand up for myself they were so gob-smacked that their expressions becomes so priceless . I am not pretty as what the models in the catalogue look like but beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder right . I feel very thankful that I was never being tormented for my chubbiness or whatever except for this one friend when I was in primary school who always mock me because I guess she hates me because I was different ? . I would always go back home crying and my sister and mom would be clueless on how to deal with me at that time . I would always feel so less of myself and I was at the age of growing up . It was really bad for my confidence level and it was a very dark time for me as I don't really know on how to defend myself . I didn't know any better and I was absorbing whatever she said to me like a sponge . Not until recent years that I managed to understand why she did that to me . With my rational thinking I managed to 'decode' her strange behavior and it was because she was insecure , very actually . 

      I guess she comes from a broken family and there was too much anger in her . And with that I was her punching bag . If I would actually turn back time , I would tell myself there's nothing to be scared off , as the girl who is tormenting you is actually much more timid than you are . I would tell my younger self all her dirty little secrets and I would ask my younger self to torment her until she beg for my younger self to stop . How great will that be . But for whatever she had done to me has now become a part of me . I learned from it and it made me a better person . So nah , I would actually say thank you to her for making my life miserable before as it has make me a tough person like I am now . Whenever you feel angry or having any resentments towards somebody because of what they did to you , remember there is a higher power who is capable of doing anything , and His name is God . What I have observed is that , God is just . You don't really have to do anything bad to someone who oppresses you as whatever god's punishment is will be so much worst than what you are capable of doing to that person . 

I went to a school  full of raging hormones . I am not even joking . Some of the girls were so fake that you can actually see the plastic-ness on their skin , who is so geeky that they barely look up from their books and girls who are just plain mean and torturing people is part of their hobby . Oh yes I've seen all kinds of girls . But of course there are still some who are just plain innocent and nice . Nobody is perfect aye . I was the background type of a girl . I excel in my studies but I wasn't at the top . I wasn't popular but I was a prefect . Let's just say I am an average kind of student . lol . I used to have friends who say that I am only friends with  popular girls to gain popularity . And there are even some some who says that I am gedik without them knowing me . lol . Oh well we can stop people from talking can we . 

      Oh yeah , I said I was a prefect right ? . At first it was something so huge for me that I was really really really excited just to be one . I was never popular and being a prefect is a major step up for me , or so I thought it was and boy was I wrong . It was horrible , horrendous actually . but the others were alright with it . I didn't have any close friends in the board and it was , you know how whenever you see uh the type of girls who chooses only their close friends who are so bad at that particular job but pick them anyways cause they are their friends ? Yes , in that prefectorial board these kind of species inhabits the place . So the one who is so call 'lame' by them gets all the dirty work or the kind of work that they don't even want to go near to . After half a year I started regretting my decision , I felt so stupid and I had never regretted anything as much as this . But oh well , as I say before this kind of experience have made me who I am today . I managed to learn from my mistakes and I really try to avoid having myself involve in this kind of situation again . 

Okay this post is getting longer and longer and I will stop now , for a while . There will be more to come . *claps* .

Bored Out Of My Mind .

       I did sleep boy was I tired . I was alone in the surau and it was really peaceful . I read my book for a while and I was also thinking of doing some finance work but I think I had just about enough with assignments for a while . I slept for around half an hour and then came Aishah asking me to wake up . :( . LOL . I still want to sleep you know . My head is pounding now .

        I am so bored , that is why I kept on updating my blog . If we were told earlier that the class was cancelled we would or I would have still sleep in on my comfy little bed . Hate . Pfft . =.='' . I can't go back home as there is another class and I didn't bring my car today . How annoying . Yeah I am so not going to car pool anymore . Really .

Can I skip econs too ? . Pretty please ? . :/ .

Not again .

      Finance Mid-term is really hard , the kind of hardness that makes you want to curl in bed and sleep . Like seriouly . I am so worried that if the mid-term pon I can barely do , what about the finals . Damn . The finance lecturer cancelled her class , again . I dunno why but recently there are too many classes that have been cancelled . Call me a whiner or whatever but isn't it not fair that the lecturers can cancel the classes just like that but if we want to skip class or whatever we have to have solid reasons . Ehh purleaseeeee .

      So here I am now stucked in the library , hacking the computer to go on facebook and stuff . I should have brought my lappie . That is always the case huh , when you need to use the lappie , you end up leaving it at home. I find it very funny cause all I can hear in this library is me typing away. LOL .

      Aishah was a little late just now , but it is alright , Bangsar is always jam . Car pool-ing was um normal ? . LOL . But I prefer to drive on my own though . I <3 driving . :D .

      I seriously dunno what to do now . I can't finish up finance cause I dunno what to do . I don't want to sleep either , maybe I should go and sleep . I'm gonna head up to the surau later lah , and sleep . LOL . :O . Naughty aliah . :P .

Till then , buhbye . :D .

Alhamdullilah , Yay . :D .

     At last my Big Economy Project is done . What is left for me to do is to just print it out tomorrow morning . I hope I wake up early tomorrow . I must actually . Aishah offered me a ride to college and she said she'll hantar me back too . :O . I hope . LOL . If not I won't have transport tomorrow . :O .

     I still have not finish my finance project and quiz . Oh my . What am I supposed to do tomorrow . =.='' . Anyways , need to sleep now . It is 12.47 am already . Goodniteeeee . :) .

Stupido .

Blogspot is being shitty . I just finish up writing about what I did the whole day and blogspot didn't save it . THANK YOU SO MUCH DUMB DUMB ! . 

SNAP .

     12.24 am . I should have slept at least 2 hours ago . I want to wake up around 6 tomorrow . Please , please let me wake up . I have my econs mid-term tomorrow . :O . I've studied , I guess , lol , last week . I wanted to refresh my memory today but I was just plain lazy . 

     I just found out that the big econs project is due this wednesday . I am not even halfway there . Seriously ? . I have finance assignment that is piling up , oh my god . I am so stressful now . I just pray hard I will not be too lazy and so that I can start finishing up all of my assignments by this week . Ya Allah , let me have the strength to do it .

:3 .

Fate ? .

      I guess it is fate . And when it comes to fate , you must accept it and move on . I hate this sentence . It is easier said than done . Like seriously . I have been crying and crying and crying . I find it to be too surreal , like as though it is a dream . I still hope it is a dream . Please , oh please . 

      But it is still better than having cancer or some sort . I am indeed very thankful . Alhamdullilah . I <3 you Allah . I am going to held my head up high and be strong cause Allah always give us trial that He knows we can handle . I guess I just need time to digest everything into my brain . :( .